conscientious OBJECTIONS

May 25 2012

MILF: Moms I’d Like to Forget

My friend Scott received the below mass email alert about how gay superheroes are bad for kids from the conservative advocacy group One Million Moms. The organization describes itself as “a community of moms for moms by moms” charged with “stop[ping] the exploitation of our children, especially by the entertainment media.”

I describe it as “a scattered collection of deranged menopausal types and their cuckolded, closeted husbands who need to find external causes for their yuppie misery.” It’s a working definition.

I had some fun with their email. My internal commentary is threaded throughout in bold [brackets].

OneMillionMoms.com


DC Comics AND Marvel Superheroes Come Out of the Closet

May 24, 2012

Dear scott, [Monica didn’t capitalize your name and therefore doesn’t respect you as a fellow queer-hating human being.]

Part 1: DC Comics recently announced one of their most popular, but as of yet unnamed, prominent characters will soon be coming out of the closet. DC Comics, owned by Warner Bros. Entertainment Company has decided that one of their beloved superheroes will be homosexual. Who will they choose; [Monica apparently doesn’t know the difference between a colon and a semi-colon. Here’s a hint: One of these things is the hole in which I want Thor to jam his girthy hammer Mjolnir.] Batman, Superman, Flash, Green Lantern, Plastic Man, or another one of their characters that children look up to? [Children look up to Plastic Man? That’s … unfortunate.]

Last year, DC Comics Co-publisher Dan DiDio said that the company would not change the sexual orientation of an existing superhero and would bring in a new one altogether. Parents may have been able to avoid a new character [unless that character is Captain Everywhere! His super power is total market over-saturation!] since it would not be one many children have grown to admire. [Heh heh, “grown.”] DiDio has changed his mind and will not be introducing a brand new character. They will feature an existing character who was previously assumed to be straight, will now become openly gay. [Your syntax here sure isn’t straight.] Senior VP Sales Bob Wayne [no relation to Bruce] said DiDio’s view ‘had evolved’, comparing the shift to Barack Obama’s recent endorsement of same-sex marriage, according to a report. DiDio did not specify which character would ‘come out’ [Your apostrophe usage, like your rage, is misplaced.] or in which issue it would be featured. It will likely be a June issue during LBGT month, joining lesbian character Batwoman. [I would like to now be known as “lesbian character Batwoman.”]

Part 2: And to make matters more shocking, Marvel, now owned by Disney, followed DC Comics’ announcement with a surprise of their own. Northstar, Marvel’s first openly gay hero, is going to tie the knot with his boyfriend in the current issue of “Astonishing X-Men.” [Sigh, Marvel’s planned gay wedding was in the works before DC’s announced outing. Doesn’t anyone fact-check their hate speech anymore?] This is the first same-sex wedding in a superhero comic book.

In “Astonishing X-Men” #50, which hit comic shop shelves Wednesday, Northstar proposes to his boyfriend, Kyle ["Northstar and Kyle humbly request your presence…”], a fellow snow sports enthusiast [oh I bet] who possesses no superpowers [except the power to shred to the extreme!]. The couple will seal the deal [Seal what deal? Is that homophobic code for “knockin’ knee-high superhero boots”?] in issue #51, slated for a June 20 release. [Thanks. I’ll be sure to buy it.]

"The story of Northstar and Kyle ["Northstar and Kyle”!] is universal, and at the core of everything I write: a powerful love between two people who have to fight for it against all odds,” said X-Men comic writer Marjorie Liu in a statement.

Children desire to be just like superheroes. [You know who they don’t want to be like, Monica? You.] Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. [Do you hear yourself? “(D)ress up in costumes” — I’m shocked that any superheroes are straight!] Can you imagine little boys saying, “I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?” [Monica you ignorant slut. No one anywhere will say that because “X-Men” isn’t a character in The X-Men. It’d be like saying “I want a porn star like Deep Throat.” Now your poor, repressed child will end up saying something like, “I want a boyfriend or husband like the X-Man (singular) Northstar … and I wouldn’t mind three minutes in a tight corner with that Gambit. Hubba hubba.” See the difference? Okay, proceed.]

This is ridiculous! [I agree. This is ridiculous.] Why do adult gay men need comic [as in funny?] superheroes as role models? [I dunno. Why do I, a 32-year-old straight male, need comic book superheores as role models? Answer: Because I’m super gay for colorful tights!] They don’t but do want to indoctrate [I think she means indoctrinate. It’s okay, fearing and hating anyone who’s different is hard work. Who has the time to revise?] impressionable young minds by placing these gay characters on pedestals in a positive light. [What pedestals? No one said anything about any pedestals!] These companies are heavily influencing our youth by using children’s superheroes to desensitize and brainwash them in thinking that a gay lifestyle choice is normal and desirable. [As opposed to brainwashing them into thinking radioactive spider bites won’t give you cancer and that it’s okay to put on a bedazzled bodysuit and punch muggers? I’d much rather my kid be gay. It’s safer.] As Christians, we know that homosexuality is a sin (Romans 1:26-27). [Are you telling me Rick Santorum wouldn’t suck Ronald Reagan’s exhumed cock right now if someone handed it to him? Heck, he’d probably tie it around his neck and wear it under a smart-looking sweater vest.]

Unfortunately, children are now being exposed to homosexuality at an early age. [Because of the pope?] Comic books would be one of the last places a parent would expect their child to be confronted with homosexual topics that are too complicated for them to understand. [Man loves man, man marries man. Seems pretty straightforward to me. Much easier to understand than DC’s Crisis on Infinite Earths storyline, for instance.] Children do not know what straight, homosexual, or coming out of the closet even means [So what’s the problem? Did you just undercut your whole bigot-baiting call to arms you sly bitch you?], but DC Comics and Marvel are using superheroes to confuse them on this topic to raise questions and awareness of an alternative lifestyle choice. [Because putting on a cape and fighting A GIANT FACE isn’t an alternative lifestyle.] These companies are prompting a premature discussion on sexual orientation.

Northstar’s wedding will be the first same-sex wedding in the world of mainstream superhero comics, but not the first gay comic books character. [Finally. I thought Peter David’s head was going to explode with no one mentioning the same-gender romance between X-Factor’s Rictor and Shatterstar.] Earlier this year One Million Moms emailed Toys ‘R’ Us [Everyone knows giraffes are gay. Everyone.] concerning the “Life With Archie” No. 16 with two gay characters getting hitched. [RIP, Peter David’s head.] Toys ‘R’ Us had the audacity to display “Archie- Just Married” at the front of the store by the checkout counters. [That’s a much better marketing strategy than “breaking up” Mike and Ike. They should focus more on why their tropical flavor sucks so hard. And why can’t you buy Mike and Ikes in boxed form at movie theaters anymore? They’re only available in those health food aisle barrels that you just know gross, booger-picking people have stuck their hands in.]

TAKE ACTION

Please send DC Comics (Warner Bros. Entertainment Company) and Marvel (Disney) an email urging them to change and cancel all plans of homosexual superhero characters immediately. Ask them to do the right thing and reverse their decision to have sexual orientation displayed to readers.[Hmm, on second thought, why don’t I just mock your apoplectic mass mailer and provide people with your Facebook page so they can post their own thoughts on the matter? Yeah, think I’ll do that.]

Sincerely,

Monica ["I’ve never experienced true love"] Cole, Director/Boner Killer
OneMillionMoms.com [but-seriously-there’s-actually-like-six-of-us-but-we’re-super-loud-and-unhappy.net]

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    I went to their page, and my response is as follows: “And this is a problem because…? You ladies need to back off. Being...
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